Originally published 9/14/2009 on my former blog.
Kayaking is one of my hobbies. I went paddling the other day and ran into Kathryn and Debra. Kathryn shunned me because, you see, she has been told I’m a malicious, vicious gossip and she should stay away from me. Poor Debra didn’t know any better so she and I exchanged some pleasantries and I helped her with her boat as she launched.
If past experience is any indicator, next time Debra won’t be friendly either. I’d bet a Lendal Kinetik Wing paddle that as soon as they got clear of me, Kathryn filled Debra in on my horrible reputation. Never mind that neither of them has ever suffered any negative experience with me, and that the two individuals who originally started the character assassination of me a few years ago had a vicious, petty, personal agenda.
Not that it bothers me much anymore… I’ve experienced this so many times I’ve come to expect it. People are pretty much just sheep in humans’ clothing.
However, the irony of it is not lost on me. Kathryn (and others) shun me because they’ve listened to gossip about what a gossip I am. Then they spread the gossip about what a gossip I am to others, who then continue the malicious cycle. Because, heaven knows, they wouldn’t want to be associated with a gossip or anything.
Psalm 101:5 Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy; The one who has a haughty look and a proud heart, him I will not endure.
April 19, 2010
Posted by xpingfiles |
Human Nature, Paddling Related |
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I have a pet peeve. (Yes, another one.)
Today I read a certain blog entry. The male writer mentioned an outdoors group he’s a part of, and how they shared good times together and that made them “family”. He related a particular experience that recently made him feel especially warm and fuzzy – an accomplishment of an 8-year-old child of one of the group’s members. That’s nice. I’ll admit, I get the warm and fuzzy vibe too, just reading about it. Definitely nice.
But “family”? Really? My visceral reaction every time I hear someone use the “f” word (family) all loosey-goosey like that, is that I want to hurl on someone’s shoes – preferably whoever is spouting that tired, overused cliche. It’s not just tired and overused, the whole sentiment is disingenuous, pretentious, and transparent. (I’ll pause now for anyone who needs to do a group hug.)
Do these people know what family is? Do they have actual families? Isn’t it an insult to your real family to call every friggin’ Tom, Dick and Harry your “family”? It’s like those people who overuse the word “love”. Yeah, I’m guilty of saying I “love” ice cream, or “love” Duran Duran. But I think in that context, it’s clear that the person is merely expressing a strong liking for something. What really yanks my chain is those those reality TV shows where they all express how much they “love” one another (usually right before someone boots one of their “loved” ones off the island, or out of the house, or otherwise betrays them). I’ve heard the hype, and I’ve seen the reality. These things do not constitute love or family.
But back to the “family” rant. Don’t get me wrong – I understand the concept that sometimes your biological family members aren’t great (and some are downright heinous) so I’m not saying that you owe blood relatives anything… not even the title of “family”. And I understand that sometimes friends function as family, and very close bonds can be formed there, and that it’s entirely possible for those bonds to be closer and more lasting than those of our biological families. I’m okay with calling those special people “family” if you strongly feel that way. But it should really MEAN something.
I’m sure some of this has to do with my background, which I should really reveal a bit about so you can put this rant into perspective. I’m not trying to be mean to the Warm Fuzzies out there, I swear. It’s just that I spent some time in foster care, and heard a lot about how I was “family” and how much they “loved” me, but what I experienced wasn’t a feeling of belonging, or of being loved. I learned that it’s easy for people to “talk the talk” (because it sounds so good, and makes them feel like such wonderful people… I’m so accepting… so caring, etc.) but it’s much harder to “walk the walk”.
Final point: If you MUST call people family who aren’t, at least base it on having weathered storms together, not just on all the good times you’ve shared. It’s easy to be a friend (or “family”) when everything’s going great and your “family” has done good things that make you proud to be associated with them, or make you feel good by association. It’s when things suck that you find out who your real friends are – and THESE are the ones who should be elevated to the status of honorary family in my book.
Another point: Every family has a black sheep, or a misfit, troublemaker, and those who just can’t get along with anyone. or a curmudgeon, or a thief, or a compulsive liar, or… fill in the blank. Maybe all of the above. And every family goes through some tough times. Sometimes they weather the storms together and are made stronger for it. Sometimes they split and go separate ways and have no desire to maintain family ties (and that decision can be a healthy one, too). But it’s work – emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical work to establish and maintain healthy relationships. So “family” is (to me) a little bit about blood and genetics, but a lot about people who have put the effort into making and maintaining good relationships – especially through tough times.
The people I consider to be my family (some of whom are related by blood, some not) are the ones who have supported me when I was… uh, let’s just say “not well”. Who loved me when I was utterly unlovable. The ones who have forgiven me when I did or said unpleasant things in anger that I later regretted. They are the ones who know me, understand me, and like me anyway, despite all my faults and shortcomings. Upon them, I bestow the label of family (with no quotation marks) and I reward them with a fierce and unwavering loyalty.
February 27, 2011
Posted by xpingfiles |
Autobiographical |
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I stayed up all night last night to post the TSK Kickout Drama. I guess I needed to do it. I find that I can forget about this crap for periods of time, but whenever I think about going on a paddling trip, I think of that saying “If it is to be, it’s up to me.” Why? Because I’m not welcome in either of the two main kayaking groups in Cincinnati anymore. Which is just odd, considering that I’m a very nice, polite, sensitive, considerate and cordial person. Then I remind myself that just one Narcissistic person can throw a crimp into a whole lot of lives.
Narcissists (see Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are often very persuasive, and masters of manipulation. They’re often “big”, dominant personalities. Weak people follow them like lambs to the slaughter. And what I’ve learned is that most people are weak. Narcissists are often overachievers and in positions of authority. The essence of the kickout is that I got ousted from TSK because I didn’t accept their assessment of me, and admit I’m a problem. Of course, the two men making that decision had never paddled with me, met me, nor spoken with me EVER, before. They simply succumbed to the Narcissist’s assessment of me, and took that ball and ran with it. They followed instructions and did what they were told to do, like good little sycophants, or like children obeying daddy. Weak.
I’m not weak (anymore) and when someone attacks me or someone I care about, I will fight back.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite open to civilly discussing differences. In fact, that’s how we as human beings should be doing things – if you have issues with someone, you talk to them, try to find common ground, gain understanding of the other’s feelings and viewpoint, and resolve your problems. But when someone just maligns my character behind my back (and I don’t even know what’s being said, just that it’s not good) and doesn’t approach me like an adult to talk things out, what can I do except put up a good defense, and perhaps a counteroffensive? Feels more like war than teamwork, for sure. That’s just unhealthy and sad, but I have no control over how others choose to approach their relationships, and I’m not going to let them steamroll over me simply because they lack the maturity to approach problems like healthy adults.
I struggled with whether or not to post this publicly, and I did, but I know I am taking certain risks. Some people are downright mental, and could be dangerous to me physically (if you read the blog, I’ve been threatened already) or just continue to post malicious gossip about me (which the sheeple are all too willing to embrace without question or personal experience). On the other hand, what am I worried about? I’m already unwelcome nearly everywhere in the local kayak world, what more can they do to me? Ruin me globally? Ruin me professionally? (and that’s been threatened, too, believe it or not). What kind of nut job takes a problem from a recreational group and uses it to get you fired from your job? Now that’s classic Narcissistic behavior. Narcissists are dangerous, and the people who follow them are weak and/or evil.
Most likely if anyone from the paddling world did read the kickout drama, they’d blame me. It’s human nature to align oneself with whomever is perceived to be the stronger entity, or the larger group, and to kick people when they are down. It’s the unfortunate side of human nature. I’ve seen this over and over – people will read what I’ve said, blame me, say “where’s there’s smoke there’s fire”, call me names (paranoid, drama queen, victim, etc.) assume I did something to deserve this, and attempt to inflict even more damage upon me than has already been done. Nice. I won’t say I’m totally immune – that stuff does hurt, but it helps that I at least understand it now so I can blow it off more easily than I did a few years ago.
As far as I can tell from my “stats”, no one reads my blog anyway. So that’s fine. I guess I’ll just leave it. I like having the option of venting to the blogosphere, so there. Now I’m hoping to put this whole thing to rest, move forward, and have a good paddling year with my close friends. The rest of the paddling world doesn’t much matter.
January 23, 2011
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